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    Titles are overrated. Again, before a huge kick to the nuts happens, I need to check in. I don't have any friends that I can just vent to nowadays. I have this one girl, Jaymee, bless her. But at the same time, I can't really connect because she's at the opposite side of the spectrum right now - she's too gung ho about life. It might be because she realized that it isn't worth living life being depressed, after her (really good) friend committed suicide, and to just live it- which is good, good for her. But for me, it's like, I still need to figure things out.
    I watched myself twirling and dancing, singing and giving a charming toothless smile at just 3 years old today. I saw my youngest cousin cecelia break out a sonata and baby bro jayson make some guy go, "WTF, how is that kid playing that song on the piano?" I saw my grandmother with straight teeth and sharp gaze to her, as opposed to her cracked grin and glazed look about her. I read Jayson's blog, I don't know if he reads mine but, meh it didn't make me cry. I mean, I guess looking at old videos brings out a bunch of emotions. My older cousin Patrick was like whoa look at me break[dance] -- pride. My other cousin Gloria was like ughh i look like a fat boy-- embarrassment. Jayson, although I didn't see it, I guess, cried? -- reflection. I just smiled. I wasn't exactly proud of the fact that I kept hitting my head and danced like a silly person. But I wasn't embarrassed at how I kept hugging people and playing simon says even after I had obviously lost (several times over). This wasn't even a time for reflection, because I knew at this time, I didn't understand things as unclearly as I do now. I'd jump crazily around everyone now like baby me to Madonna's Like a Virgin if I didn't have goals in mind. Looking toward the future, I know I have a lot to get done. Although there is a snow day tomorrow, that sets me back one day on a lot of things. I was supposed to do stuff for Aresty in the lab but at the same time it's like now I can not. I have a quiz (but more like a test) and management assignment due on Friday, and then as Sachin would put it (who I haven't had a decent chill out with in a long time), BAM BAM..BAM. Microbiology exam, Biochem exam, Management exam, Community Grant paper due. Yeah...and I thought that last time was TKKO or whatever I called it.
   Meh, and the thing with Stephanie. I talked it out with her and she has similar thoughts. How'd she put it? Something like how she's scared she'll never get excited about me again -- kind of burned. But I understand, we just don't share anything and our stories have no real depth to them. Which is why when things like tonight happen I just want to tell her everything, pour my heart out, and just reflect with her. Sigh* ugh, but she's m.i.a. most of the time. Tonight she was reading up for a class tomorrow, class at 8:30am. I have a tendency to overthink so maybe this is too much but...I feel like she's smart enough to not put things till last minute and If I cell her at like 11:45pm on a Sunday, maybe she could spare some time instead of doing some Sunday night brushing up on material. I feel as though, maybe she's getting too complacent with me just being there when she needs me. Like I almost feel as if she thinks I'll always be there for her. Which I will be, if it just felt more mutual you know?
   Ha, that just made me think of those times when people say something like.
Statement A, you know? I dunno.
They're looking for afirmation but at the same time they are afraid of getting turned down so they express doubt...
   Anyways, I need to get to work, I should set a time limit on these things. I still like Stephanie, I think I'll even go as far as saying I love her, but this long distance thing is kind of weird. We're a weird couple. I wanna get out of school, I want to get into my internship at UC Berkeley, [I want] my Guma to get better, [i want] jayson to get into his first choice college, [i want] my parents to eat better, live better, [i want] charlie to stop fucking around, [i want] all my projects to get done on time with the quality i expect from myself, to get a six pack, to find time for ultimate, to be able to move onto the next step in one piece, to rediscover the energy 3 year old me had, and to be able to dance around these rough times like a crazy person, with those last 17 years of experience picking me up whenever I fall down and bump my head.

I miss Stephanie.
I miss how she smacks me when I "accidentally" tickle her.
I miss how she runs her hand through my hair.
I miss how she leans up against me and then rests her head on my chest.
That feeling of supporting her helps me forget all my problems, even if for a moment
...
And now she's back at Wellesley and it feels like forever :(

In other news, gotta get money get paid....bitches.